For most of my life I was under the impression that the laws of karma would bring me abundance: “Do good unto others and you will be blessed.” Right?
Wrong. This expectation was based on the assumption that in each situation, in each circumstance the balance of good and bad would naturally be found as long as you do good unto others. It didn’t ever occur to me that my own perception of justice has nothing to do with how karma works. I thought that things would always balance themselves within relationships. For example, if I constantly showed unconditional kindness to my emotionally-abusive husband, it would change him. If I showed him the ways of spirituality through living by example, he would one day see the light and begin to live his life coming from a place of love first. And that even though he was extremely selfish and fought me all the way in the separation and divorce process, manipulating and misdirecting his anger towards my children, that perhaps the legal system would find justice – of course, because I had already gone through so much! For sure the laws of karma would prevail!
Well…I was practically hit over the head when I came to the reality that this was indeed not happening. He got his way in ten-folds; and not only did he leave me with a hefty legal bill by dragging out the entire process, he also got away with paying the absolute minimum in child support. His twisted lies and coercion also cost me my family (my dad, brother, and cousins). Abusers do this – they alienate you from everyone (read my blog on abusers and narcissists). I perceived the situation as completely unjust, ludicrous even. And for quite some time I contemplated how to make the situation “fair”. Vengeance took over me and I was going to reveal some damaging information about him (the TRUTH of what really happened between us) to everyone – his family who hated me, my family who judged or disowned me, his friends (the few that he had) etc . I was really angry – I was so pissed off at the Universe for allowing this to happen. I expended so much energy on negativity (towards him, the Universe, and sadly, towards myself) that it took away so much of my time away from the more important things in life. It was a downward spiral for some time…(a very good topic for another blog, actually – hitting rock bottom). It took some time for things to shift. Lots of a-ha moments, great friends, supportive spiritual healers…and time – as he healer of all things…before things turned around and I was able to start making peace with what happened.
I believe that through the most chaotic and painful times comes great clarity if you have the patience, resilience, and faith to persevere. It was not long ago, almost 4 years to the date of separation, that it occurred to me that not everything has to be balanced in the way that matches my personal beliefs or sense of justice. Situations can almost always seem unbalanced when looking through my own filters. Yes, it cost me a whole heap of money to get away from this man, but here is where the epiphany is: There is no price tag on breaking the ties that bind you! I suddenly became so much more grateful for my freedom from him. Grateful for since finding love and doing the things I really desire to do. I realized that everything was falling into place the way the Universe wanted for me. (The Universe always has a better plan than the one I have for myself! – Epiphany number 2.) Not only did I have judgments about how life was so “unfair,” I also had judgments about how it all needed to be balanced out. My sense of “fairness” at the time was that my ex needed to pay at least the median amount of child support and not a penny less. Even as I write that now, I am shaking my head – why would I limit the corrective balance to be more support money from my ex? Why would I ask the Universe (where there is INFINITE abundance) to balance things out by a few thousand dollars?? That’s nuts! My abundance does NOT come from my ex-husband. It doesn’t come from my job. It doesn’t come from my friends. It comes directly from the Universe! And most times it’s not in ways that I would expect, especially if I have my own self-imposed limitations. Abundance is sudden opportunities, it’s chance meetings and synchronicity, it’s the quiet moments of contemplation and sudden epiphanies, it’s finding joy in a life without restrictions, it’s finding love and meaning in relationships and within myself, it’s spending quality time with my beautiful children and watching them grow into gorgeous women. Abundance is unlimited. It’s everywhere and in everything. It’s believing that the impossible is possible.
I have been co-creating with the Universe all my life – as all of us do. But today, I do it with the level of consciousness that I didn’t have before. So what if I give more than I get in one situation? Not all relationships are fifty-fifty. But they all balance out in the end. All the people, opportunities, and things I have in my life today, I never could have had in the bondage of my marriage. Today, I am expanding and exploring in ways that I never thought possible. I am finding new spiritual insights, beautiful creative outlets, freedom of expression, gratification in touching the lives of others through teaching, living my passion in sharing wisdom, and discovering my potential in what I have to offer the world! But, out of the long list of gifts I now have, the most important of them all is the sense of peace that comes from knowing that all I deserve is coming to me now (thank you karma), and I will no longer limit the opportunities to receive grace due to my self-limiting filters or judgments of how things are “supposed to be”. When I just surrender to the Universe to balance things out, the results have been and will be beyond my expectations.
So now I look at my divorce experience as a very expensive lottery ticket that made super big pay back! It’s all relative anyway, no?
In love and gratitude to my ex. For without you, I may never have seen my true potential or understand that in the impossible, I’m possible.
In love and light,